Saturday, April 9, 2011

Who Am I?

I stare into my tea cup, the question once again racing through my mind, "Lord, who am I?" and most importantly "Who do YOU want me to be?"
Honestly, at this moment, I have no idea. I don't know where I am going, and I don't know what steps to take to get there.

Honestly I miss being a homeschooler sometimes. Yeah, it wasn't always my favorite thing, but I sure love all the people in that world. I miss them. I miss the sweet fellowship we would have. I miss wearing skirts everyday. I miss being part of the group that declared that no way in a million years would I ever go to college and spoke against it.

But. I changed. Why? I can answer you right now - I was going crazy. I love the life - but I don't live on a farm, I don't have loads of little siblings to help out with, I had NOTHING TO DO. And I am a DO it person, and it was slowly eating me away. I had a lot of depression, and hated my life. And so, it was either sit at home doing nothing but cleaning and staring at the computer (yes, I could have done crafts and things, but depression is a weird thing), or go to college. I went to college. Sometimes I hate my choice. Sometimes I bash myself and say, "Why did I choose this?" But I felt God was calling me there to learn sign language, and each new class I took I loved it more. And I still love that part of it, although I do hate college. But I don't know where else I am supposed to be... I honestly don't know if God wants me to finish out my degree, or go onto something else, or WHAT! Right now the only leading I have is to go back for at least one more year, and finish the Deaf studies classes at least, and then just see about the rest.

But now, I fit in nowhere - I don't fit into college (and I sure never want too!), and I don't quite fit into the homeschool world who is against college. That is where my heart is - plop in the center - but I don't know where I stand.
So at the moment I just enjoy each little taste of it I get - some dear church friends came over today (soo refreshing to visit with them!!!), and at the end of the month have a homeschool convention (staying with the S.'s and the E.'s at the hotel! EEP! :OD I can NOT wait!!!).
Being with dear Christian friends, getting Mary P.'s weekly letters, etc feeds my dry soul.

Lately I feel like I am wondering through a desert. I know Jesus has a hold of my hand, leading me, and sometimes He is just simply carrying me, but to be with like minded Christians who are just so encouraging is sooo nice!!

I am going for my Yellow Fever shot next week for Africa (ACK! Prayers please for this needle phobic girl!!). I can't wait to be on that plane - I know I am going to grow in so many ways this summer, and I am looking forward to drawing closer to God as well!

God, You are good! You are amazing! You will get me through this life and lead me! Show me Your ways!


Madeline said...

I sort of understand what you mean about feeling in the middle. It's sort of that way with me and how I have a job. It seems like it was always "wrong" to get a job if you're a girl. But girl, you're doing great and I love you. :) Just go where God leads you, and you won't get anything wrong. ;)

HannahBeth said...

*hugs* I'm so glad you girls understand this! I always felt this horrible guilt for getting a job and now moving into life on my own, since that was always portrayed to me as a sinful thing for a woman to do. I miss the homeschooler life, and life at home, and it's hard when a lot of the homeschooling community (not all, but some) looks down on you for these decisions. So I'm really thankful for friends who understand what it means to follow God and go where He leads! :) <3

Lady Serena Staverley said...

Maddie, like I said on FB, it means sooo much to me that you say that!!! Truly! <3

Bee, thanks for your comment too! Yours means a lot to me, and I totally agree with what you said!!! God leads us all to different things - some to staying at home, and some to other things. I need to keep remembering that, and remembering that although not everyone agrees with what I decide to do in life, like Maddie said, if I keep focusing on the Lord, I can't go wrong! (Or if I start to go wrong, He'll bring me back onto the path!).

Love you girls!! <3